I find it interesting that John Wesley, who popularize the idea of being able to actually experience God-to have the heart “strangely warmed”-was also one who struggled with self-doubt about his faith. In his 60’s, in a letter to his brother, Wesley wrote “I do not love God. I never did. Therefore I never believed, in the Christian sense of the word. Therefore I am only an honest heathen…And yet, to be so employed of God!”
I know that I go through these same spells of self-doubt about my faith, and I wonder if maybe it isn’t something of a curse on a lot of us as Christians, something we are afraid to speak of for fear of what it might mean. I used to always think that to express such doubt was to question whether it was even possible that I was saved. I don’t think so any more and have come to see this doubt as part of my spiritual rhythm.
In that light, I find it interesting to read these moments in the Gospel where it seems Jesus is also expressing doubt. When Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemene asking God if there’s any other way possible, when he is on the cross and expresses “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus also experiences this doubt of God.
But it is instructive to look at the posture which Jesus takes. When he is in the Garden, after asking if there is any other way, he also says “not my will, but yours be done.” It seems that this tension between doubt and submission is one that we always live in.
I remember one time I heard a pastor say that it’s important to doubt, but that we should make sure to also doubt our doubts.
I think of this in terms of a relationship with another. There are times filled with doubt, of the nature of the relationship, of whether the other is really in it. We are only able to have this doubt because we are in relationship, but we experience the doubt as almost paralyzing at times. Sure, it could be easier to have less intimate relationships, where we don’t have to worry about doubting the other. But to live in that sort of way, keeping anyone who might know us intimately at arms length is something that we know to be an unhealthy way to live.
I wonder if sometimes our doubt isn’t something self-defeating in ourselves that wants to hold us back from something greater than ourselves for the sake of self-preservation. Maybe there is wisdom in ignoring that, to instead say as Wesley did “And yet to be so employed of God.” Or as Jesus said “not my will, but yours be done.“
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It always helps to talk about doubt, to bring it out of the dark and into the light. Thanks for providing the quote from Wesley–who knew?
The passage of scripture that speaks to me about doubt is Matthew 28: 16-20. Everyone quotes the “Great Commission” (verses 18 – 20), but the full context begins at verse 16. Notice that even in the presence of the resurrected Lord, some doubted. Their doubt did not stop Jesus from sending them out!
Thanks Ray. I ran across that quote last night and found it really interesting that Wesley would have such issues of doubt while also being such a strong proponent of a personal God who we experience. It seems like it would have been tempting to just embrace deism instead.
And thanks for that passage, I will have to check that out in light of what you shared!
I heard a quote the other day that made me want to vomit, “Times of doubt are the moments of atheism in a believer’s life.”